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The Impact of
Father Absense
By John McQueen LCSW, CFLE
The conception, growth and development of children are not just
biological events. They have significant psychological and social
aspects as well. Social scientists are realizing now more than ever,
the importance of the father involvement in the care and development
of the child.
This is significant when we consider that over half of all children
born in the United States today will, if current trends continue,
live separated from at least one of their biological parents -
usually the father- before reaching adulthood. A substantial number
(about one- fifth) will never live with their fathers. No wonder
President Bill Clinton referred to father-absence as being “one of
the greatest social (or mental) problems, In America.”
Mental illness is the result of impaired, psycho-social or cognitive
functioning which can in some instances be attributed to the absence
of a father in a child’s life. Addressing the issue can be enhanced
when it is viewed in context of 3 P’s: problems, practice and
promise.
Problem:
Children are born with the potential to become fully functional
human beings, but they must be cared for physically, emotionally,
intellectually and spiritually. If their environment proves unsafe
in one or more areas, they internalize pain - a traumatic feeling or
uncomfortable emotion stored in the body such as loneness, sadness,
anger, fear, depression, and hopelessness.
Broken homes have been blamed for crimes, failures, and unhappiness
of many troubled children separated from their father’s. The reasons
for these separations are many and varied - absentmindedness,
divorce, military life, illness and death are just a few - but the
result is often the same – the negative impact of father’s absence.
Practice:
Internalized pain is how the wounded child in us is created. Hence,
father-absent boys report a sense of being plagued with feelings of
dependence; confused about career direction; and many more seek
validation through recognition, money and power. Father-absent girls
usually doubt their sexual attractiveness; others stay far too long
in abusive and unrewarding relationships; still others become lack
self- esteem and are plagued with feelings of being ashamed and
being abnormal.
Father absence children, according to Gelati and Sing, are also
generally far more reserved, emotionally unstable, and excitable.
Conversely, father present children are outgoing, emotionally
stable, phlegmatic, and self- controlled. The Father- absent
children also appears to have less ego strength than his or her
father - present counterpart.
Promise:
“I will send you a prophet like Elijah… His teaching will bring
fathers and children together again… in one mind and heart…”
Malachi’s plea for mind change is a clarion call for family
restoration where fathers assume or resume full responsibility for
the holistic development of the child. This can be achieved in a
five- step process in which the mother’s role is to help facilitate
reunion and healing.
1.
Surrender: Fathers must admit to the neglect of paternal
responsibilities, and become accountable for the unhappiness, fears
and failures that wounded their children.
2.
Decision: Through reading, prayer, mediating, counseling
etc., parents (mother and father) must come to terms with both the
purpose and function of parenthood by addressing the following two
important questions: what is our purpose and what do we want our
children to become?
3.
Forgiveness: Current circumstances may not allow for the
restoration of intimacy with a former partner or spouse, and perhaps
that’s understandable. For the well being of the child however, be
civil, forgive each other for past mistakes or short comings, and
find a way to work through possible difficulties so as to move to a
higher of level of functioning.
4.
Action: Allow changed beliefs and attitudes to enable you to
develop a plan of action, a blueprint if you will, for coping with
new beginning’s – an approach for attaining realistic, incremental
and measurable goals with regard to parental duties.
Dedication: Create a written covenant in which you agree to
engage your child in meaningful activities. Keep every promise made,
and work toward maintaining or restoring faith and trust in your
relationships.
5.
Numerous factors account for the growing problem of father-absence,
many of which are difficult to negotiate.
It is an unfortunate circumstance but one which is by no means
beyond hope. While some families seem unable to re-adjust or recover
from the wound caused by such absence or loss, many more face the
crisis in an effort to alter or abolish the damaging effects of
father’s absence on the child.
Remember, you’re never alone. However insurmountable the crisis,
there’ll always be someone waiting to help.
